my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
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When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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