just come out here and I will go home with you...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
