69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
