Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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