he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"