...so i touched it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off