Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
