If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.