dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
