That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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