I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
