Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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