can we get nightvision for the apartment?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I still have a little drunk in my system
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
