I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
