i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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