true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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