remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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