i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
