If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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