My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
