I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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