His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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