the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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