The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
