I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
