She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
