dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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