I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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