I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
