we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
