**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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