I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
