I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
