I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
