remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
