Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My breasts were aching with rage.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You're breaking my sexual little heart
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
