I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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