I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
