Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
