Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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