I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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