I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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