please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
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This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
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I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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