Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
