I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
