i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i think my cat just said my name.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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