she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
