I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
