Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
