Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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