Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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