The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
