And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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