I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
