Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
