do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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