Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
